Re-defining the Rabbit Hole

I have been off of the grid for a good long while. Many things have happened in this life that I have dubbed "down the rabbit hole"

We have gone through even more changes. I am now on disability and staying at home, both a negative and a plus. All I have ever wanted to do was be able to stay at home and once that decision was made, the adjustment was so much more than I ever expected it to be. When you have nothing pushing you to get out of the bed in the mornings, you find that you just don't.

I'm not a huge Martha Stewart fan, but her show comes on at 9 a.m. and I do enjoy the things that they do on her show, so I get up for that. An hour, a couple of cups of coffee and I'm usually good to go.

Since my last post I have had so many surgeries, two of them very major, with the major set backs that go with them. Recouperation has been long and tedious. I have been both tortured and mutalated due to the radiation that I received during my cancer treatments. I have had everything but a small part of my colon and my kidneys removed from my abdomenal cavity because all the soft tissue was so damaged. So much for survivor.

I have survived so much more than cancer. I have lived to meet yet another grandchild, a sweet 8 month old by the name of Ella Suzanne Clinard. She is a little doll, so happy and laid back. We are truly blessed.

I still knit daily, now I putter around in my yard, working on starting next years garden, getting back into the habit of cooking evening meals and learning to make cheese.

I'm glad to get back to this, I feel that I have things to share, I've been on quite a journey in the last two years. Learning how to be "retired" reveals something new every day. People think you have loads of time to do lots of things, when actually you are busier than you have ever been. How did we do all of this and work to ?

Still in the rabbit hole

I Was Going To Say Give Us A Break

until we wound up at Vanderbilt Children's Hospital today with our 11 year old grandaughter. Turned out to be nothing major, thus far. They are keeping her over night and doing a lot more blood work.

As my title would imply, haven't we been through enough recently and about to go through more. Until I got to the hospital today, we are so blessed, how many of those parents would give their life for mine. How many would beg for the chaos that seemingly rules our lives. Makes you think, makes you grateful, makes you pray !

Now what?

Most of my posts have been about life with my mother-in-law. How we adapted to the change she brought to our home and how we tried to help her adapt to that were going on in her own personal life.

Mitzi's life ended, very peacefully, this past Tuesday night. Her sister, sons, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, Leeanne and myself were with her.

I keep trying to grieve, to cry, but so far it hasn't come. I think it's because she and I grieved together over each thing that changed, over each thing that was forgotten, over each activity that now required assistance, where two weeks prior she needed no help. Perhaps we just grieved together and I'm done.

I do grieve for my family and the hurt that they are going through that I cannot take away. I grieve for my husband, I can't begin to understand how he feels, I've never lost a parent. I grieve for my children and grandchildren, I've been in their shoes and know the pain that is in their heart.

I celebrate that prayers were answered and she did not suffer, that her sister was able to see her while she was still mentally with us. I celebrate that Hospice was with us when the time came and I celebrate the new friend that we have in her room mate at the nursing home, I can't imagine having gone through all of this without her wisdom and humor.

Now what, well we'll see, God always surprises me with each and every new chapter of my life.

To Grammie, Rest in Peace.

moving into the 21st Century

Finally got a computer that works from the house. It's difficult to find dependable service when you live in the middle of approx. 800 acres. We have had lots of drama around here lately, the QUEEN has been in the nursing home for approx. a month. She is doing better and that is where she needs to stay, we'll see. I have been enjoying my down time.

I had yet another surgery on May 15th and have one coming up in a month or two. Hopefully, it will solve some of the annoying problems that have been tormenting me for a while now, if not then I will have tried eveything possible.

So,, to conclude, all is quiet in the Rabbit Hold for now. I don't feel so much like Alice at the moment.

HONEY, I'M HOME

Well not really, I've been at home the whole time. I've just been out of the blogging loop.

I've begun a new career, well sort of, Caregiving. Something that I did for a very long time, left and have come back to in an adminstrative role. My husband also has a new career, so at 50+ we are both upwardly mobile and exhausted, because we are too old for all of this stuff. It's that old dog, new trick thing. New tricks make you very, very tired.

The dementia situation in the Rabbit Hole is getting worse. We have days where the Queen in just as lucid as she can be , but for the most part, she is declining both physically and mentally.

Without some type of outside help,whether from family or the company I work for, she really is not going to be able to stay at home unassisted for much longer. All day is too long. My husband has worked second shift for as long as she has been there, until this new job and now we are gone at the same time. She spends that time in the bed, asleep, dehydrating and loosing any thought of staying active and in touch.

I have lots to say and very little time, more later.

TAGGED?

My daughter tagged me re: six wierd things about myself !

I told her I didn't know anything weird about myself, I was normal.

I quess that is weird.

1. I, too, know how to make molasses. We do it every year at my mom and dad's. That's also one of my daughter's.

2. I had a cousin that was on the Batan Death march in WWII and lived.

3. I had never been out of Tennessee until I was 19 years old.

4. I acutally had to wade a creek to catch the bus when I was in high school.

5. I've always wanted to be a writer.

6. One of my favorite meals is popcorn and warm chocolate cookies. Wait, that may be normal !

NEW RABBIT HOLE

I presume that everyone has figured out by now that I hate change.

I am very much a creature of habit and consistancy and my world has

been rocked.

Our Greenbrier office merged with the Springfield office on Sept. 1

Did I mention that I also hate moving? Anyway, we moved, new

offices, new faces, new personality adjustments. Just new all the way

around. I don't like new, I like familiar. My desk is also at the top of

a very steep set of 18 stairs. Those stairs have kicked my butt on

several days. But jeans are fitting better. They will either cure me

or kill me.

As to my last post, I've been back to my Radiation Oncologist, who

has referred me to a specialist at Vanderbilt, who is out of town, of

course. I'm waiting to get an appointment time with him, so in the

mean time it's tiny meals and pain pills, which helps too with tired

legs after a day of too many trips on the stairs.

ANSWERED PRAYER (at someone else's expense)

As most of you know, I had a run in with cancer almost 4 years ago. I've found out since then that the cancer was the least of the battle. Radiation can do a lot to a body. Over the last four years my plumbing keeps rerouting itself (visulize as you wish) I now poop in a bag that I call "fluffy". Hey, you have to give some things a name just so you'll have someone to blame it on.

Anyway, long story, longer, I have been having some pretty major discomfort in the past few weeks and went in for test this past Friday. I was very anxious about this, as I was already miserable, and knowing what I was about to experience, so I prayed for relief, something, anything.

I had the sweetest young technician taking care of me and a lovely Russian lady that was helping her. Very helpful, very caring.

Well, I walked into the x-ray room and saw the equipment they had set up (lower G.I. ish) and said, that won't work on me. Scar tissue, etc. , won't work. Dr. says we'll try it anyway, won't take as long. O.k., gonna hurt, ignore me, unless I tell you to stop and you're gonna need a lot of towels (I've done this a time or two) we give it the old college try, it didn't work, off come gowns 1 & 2 , Doc says we'll go in the other way, TOLD YA !!. come back in see a familiar set up, looks like it will work, tech has never done a colostomy before, now I'm the teacher, we're good, Doc. comes in, away we go, there is a hole in the tubing, big leak, off come gowns 3 & 4, back out, new equipment again, we'll get it this time, all is going well, can see it moving about on the screen, give it a little more juice, the clamp breaks. Have you ever seen the garden hose flying about and you just can't catch it YEAH !!!!!!!! I'm wet, Doc's wet, she's wet, Olga is running about trying to dry everyone off, and I get the giggles. I told them among all of their apolozies that they were an answered prayer. Just proof that someone else can have a worse day than you.

Off with gown 5 & 6, back on the table, everything goes smoothly, except my little helper won't look at me and I can tell she is crying. Don't have any results yet, but I got four free meals at the hospital cafeteria, YUMM......

I went home and slept until 5:30 p.m.

EIGHT HOURS AND NO CAKE

This past Saturday was my sister-in-law's nephew's wedding. An affair that my mother-in-law has been looking forward to for a very long time. As time drew nearer, hair appointments were made, outfit chosen and altered, etc.

Also as time approached we were privy to more and more details. 475 quests rsvp'd to a wedding in a sweet little church the size of a postage stamp. 500 + people have rsvpd to a reception 20 miles away on a block where another wedding in being held across the street with an outdoor reception down the block. Possibility of no parking.

Transportation has been ordered, for the hair appt. , MIL getting ansy,(Friday) calls the hair dresser to say that she may be a little late, he replies, no you are really late, your appointment was for yesterday. In all fairness, I believe that was his mistake, anyway, it definitely puts a wrinkle in Sat. Now we have a 1:30 hair appointment in the mix. My husband takes the good car to work (air conditioned), I leave at 12:15 to go borrow my mom's, go back, load up the queen, go to the dump, the dollar store, McDonalds, because it is a long time until we will eat again, drop her off at the hair dressers. I have taken a book looking for a few minutes down time, when my daugher calls, Come eat lunch, one of my friends is in town, (her best friend's mother ) and they are at O'Charley's. Put up the book, back to town, visit 30 minutes, run back and pick up the freshly styled MIL. Get home have a few minutes to crash, tell her to sit up and nap, don't lay on that hair. 4:00 get dressed, loaded, off to KY to the church, arrive at 5:20, wedding starts at 6:30, we are very eary, but we didn't do all of this to watch it on closed circuit T.V. in the basement, we want a front row seat. Nephew/usher helps get her out, up the ramp, door is locked/I'm parking/walk around, she is melting in the heat, standing at a locked door while he is inside trying to unlock the door. Inside, seated, all is well. Wedding is sweet and over far to soon for so much work. Get ready to go out, the bottom falls out of the sky, wet quests everywhere, get her down, around and under an overhang, in the car and off we go, back toward town and the reception, thunder and lightening all around. Get to town find a parking place, she decides it's just too much trouble in the rain and we head home, arriving at 8:00 p.m. 8 hours and not even a piece of cake.

Could have been worse, we could have been going to the outdoor reception half a block down,

On a sweeter note, my husband had to go out to the store and brought us home two slices of chocolate cake. Yummmmm................

She slept until 5 p.m the next day.

It's Over, It's Done, It's Permanent !!!

We had the second and final yard sale for the mother-in-law,over the holiday weekend. By lunch we had reduced her inventory by about half and by 2:30 p.m we were way past hot and packing up the remainder to go to one of the ladies of our community that holds charity yard sales every weekend. She is very charity minded and would rather it go there that to Good Will .

Being a compulsive spender and collector, the sight of a bucket full of money had her head spinning. She didn't much like the suggestion that she spend it on getting her car repaired, sold and moved out of my yard. We'll see, I've made the deposit, I quess the rest is up to her.

While we were all very glad to be done with the whole ordeal but it just makes everything very final both for her and for us. Her home has been rented out and all of her stuff is gone and it's beginning to feel permanent.

I quess we will start to paint and spruce up her nest.

Predators in the Rabbit Hole

Beware, guard your elders ! There are people out there who deliberately take advantage and do so without any regard for the people that it effects.

As you all know by now, my husband's mother lives with us, and a great deal of work has gone into pulling the financial leeches off of her in the last year. She has never been the best manager of her finances but things have gotten progressively worse in the last couple of years. There were several automatic drafts coming out of her account that when investigated were dinky little insurance policies for "when you're hurt and miss work", she is retired and 74 years old. After requesting copies of these policies three of them had expired upon her turning 65 (but in the event she had not canceled them they were still good until the date of termination , BET NOT !)and one reduced it's money to be paid out by 50% at age 70.

I worked in home health and hospice for years and my biggest pet peave was with insurance agents that came collecting from these old people, taking their grocery money to pay the premimum on a $2,500 death benefit policy that they had been paying on monthly for years and had paid out far more than their family would receive upon their death.

Yesterday, mother-in-law had a very long day, she had made a doctor's appointment for 2:30 p.m and had to ride the Mid-Cumberland bus because we were all at work. They drop her, pick her up and are really very helpful. She did however have to ride all over the county holding on to her walking device so that it didn't roll all over the bus. When she got home at about 4:45, she noticed someone pulling in the driveway , so thinking it was me, waited for help to get in the door. Chick gets out, says how are you today, no other information other than "I've came to pick up your insurance premimum" to the tune of $65.00. The lady has dementia, did not remember all that had transpired a couple of months ago, and that these very same policies had been canceled. Needless to say, I was furious, she was devasted that she had forgotten and had been taken advantage of, again. We set the wheels in motion first thing this morning, stopped payment on the check, called the insurance company (Chicago) and told them what we had done. They made a notation that she was not to be approached again. I've gotten on the web site and requested that a local agent call me. BECAUSE !!! my husband said that the last couple of weekdays while he was working outside a little white car had pulled into the drive and upon seeing him, had turned around and left. A LITTLE WHITE CAR is what Chickie-doo was in yesterday, when no one was home but the victim.

While I'm ranting, there are also a couple of stores in town that don't treat their old folks right. They get to know them, are very sweet, know all the kids names and ages and what they like and take her money , then she has to charge her medicine and accrue interest on the account.

That's not happening anymore either, we have paid off almost $723 of $5 to $10 copays and she cannot go into the local department store unescorted. We now have another new rule, do not write a check for anything unless one of us knows about it, getting her to remember it is a different hurdle. I'll put a note in her check book.

Your parents and grandparents may not like you meddling in their business, but warn them to look at their policies, etc. and keep and eye on the stipulations. They are paying on things that they will never get back.

GETTING READY

My baby child called the other night, needing his mama ! He was told by Navy physicians that he either had mulitple melonomas or lukemia and did he want to come home to be with his family. As my husband said, it has always been my job to talk him off of the roof and that't what I did. After testing him with a UV light, he does not have any skin cancer, which I knew from 1,500 miles away, I've seen him without a shirt his entire life, nothing suspicious there. After doing several hours of research, I believe I've discovered what it is, and as I told him on the phone, he's just moldy. It's a non-contagious fungus, much like athlete's foot only on his trunk and treated in very much the same manner. I've a good mind to go give a several very young, obviously bored doctors a slap up beside the head. What happened to diagnosing the problem before handing out the death sentence? If I can find out what this is without a medical degree in a few hours, why did they have to scare him so badly. That has been my WHAT? moment this week. In my head, I was already planning all I would have to do in order to go be with he and his wife.

Anyway, he is still waiting for blood work, but I feel sure that there is nothing to be alarmed about. ( Except a mad mama)

On a lighter note or maybe....

We're counting down the hours until we clear out the Queen's rabbit hole. Everything is bagged, tagged, stacked and boxed up ready for the big event. This has been much more draining on everyone involved than we ever imagined. Rather than going ahead and dividing up the keepsakes among the two brothers and the grandchildren, my husband has just boxed it up and put it away. As his mother so politely put it, I'm not dead yet!

The big day is Saturday, rain or shine. We haven't decided yet if Grammie actually needs to be there, I vote no. Too difficult to watch you life drive off a dollar at the time. Just boxing up put her to bed for two days.

It's also a birthday weekend for my daughter and son-in-law. We are supposed to go over there for a night out after the yard sale. Somehow, I don't think I'll be much company.

Hopefully no more worrisome Ah, Ha moments this week ! I would however take a funny one, if I came across it.

POSSUM ON THE HALF SHELL

Had one of those moments on the way into work this morning. It is not uncommon to see road kill in this part of the U.S. My son and I came to the conclusion, a long time ago, that some redneck had 50 gallon drums of dead animals flinging them out on the road, you know, Hey, Bubba, if it's Tuesday, it must be skunk !

Not today, today was armadillo ! Yes, armadillo, we are not in Texas, where did he come from, is someone missing a pet ? I had heard that they had been sighted in the area. All we need is an armored possum. Opossum , for you, city slickers that don't know what I'm describing. I have always heard road kill armadillos called , POSSUM ON THE HALF SHELL.

I think I'll just drive in Monday with my eyes closed.

HOW?

How does one little lady collect so much stuff ? As mentioned in the previous blog, we have been breaking down housekeeping for my mother-in-law. Three households are upside down. We have catagorized, priced, labeled, boxed and thrown away a mind blowing amount of stuff. How many sofa cushions can one person use at a time.

The men (children of said mother in law) keep telling us that we are pricing things too cheaply. We keep telling them, sell it low or haul it to the dump. You can go down, but never up in price !

She was with us for part of the day on Memorial Day and spent the next day completely out of it , in the bed, I don't know if it was physical, emotional or both. Probably both. It must be terrible to see people putting a price on things familiar and precious to you.

Keep us in your prayers, things are "changing in the Rabbit Hole".

Much lighter note, my friend Pam is coming into down to do a couple of readings from her new book. She will read right here at home, across the street from where our elementary school used to be. I can't wait to see her and am already regretting her leaving. It always goes far too quickly.

""DOWN" in the rabbit hole

I haven't posted, stamped, scrapped, knitted or anything else for that matter since I got back from Conneticut. I think I left my "groove" up there. I so look forward to this weather and working in my yard, and I haven't done a thing.

Something needs to happen, something needs to jolt me back to life. I'm as home bound as the Queen. I'm hoping for some well deserved time off and with my family over this long weekend, even though hubby has to work on the holiday it's double time, no complaints from either of us in that department.

We will do the final priceing for my mother-in-law's yard sale this weekend and closing up the house. Maybe it's the finality of all of this that has got me in such a funk.

Pray for the inhabitants of the rabbit hole, we need a little humor, you know, the things that make you say "WHAT?"

HOME AGAIN, HOME AGAIN, JIG-A-D-JIG

We are home, arrived Tues. evening around 9:00 p.m. The flight was bumpy, but I'm still convinced that it is the only way to travel. Les said he was never driving anywhere again !

Son, daughter-in-law and Conneticut were wonderful. Our son was stressed because of some major car problems, but handled it better than he usually does. Daughter-in-law seemed to handle our invasion with very little stress (except for the car) We shopped, read and scrapbooked together, all in all meshed pretty well.

You could never had made me believe that anything could top the scenic views in Oregon, but Conneticut may have done it. All wonderful but very different. More trees and limestone rock than I have ever seen. Ocean and river views like no where else. It was everything that I had invisioned in my mind's eye and more. Homes on the water front with widow's walks on top , fishing shanties (very pricey these days) Just more than I could take in.

We toured the U.S.S. Natilus (submarine) and a couple of whaling ships, tight quarters all the way around. Our submariner must have bumped his head about 50 times, the boy needs a helmet. I just looked at my husband and told him my eyes weren't big enough. That's what Jess used to say when he was little and completely awestruck by something.

The mother-in-law faired much better this time. Her sister surprised her with a three day visit and they made a lot of progress going through her belongings. Brought some of it home and left the rest for a moving sale. I worked last Monday evening and again yesterday morning setting her room back up before she got home. Taking out some things and putting in more servicable pieces. It's looking good, but this just has to be so hard, having to leave so much of your life behind. Even after a year, I think we all were hoping that something would change and she could go back home. NOT HAPPENING!

I also acquired a few extra pieces of furniture, because of our youngest daughter's move the entertainment center did not leave as expected, plus a bench, two book shelves and an antique hutch were sitting inside the front door when we got home. Did I mention that I hate clutter? By 10 p.m. last night I had given away everything with instructions that it be picked up by the weekend or it would be burned. Now all I have to do is get rid of some large stero speakers and ship paint ball guns to Conneticut. The oldest grandchild is going around like a door to door salesman with some of the grandmother's things. She seems to think she can recoup some of her money that way.

Spring cleaning a little at the time in more than one house is making me hive!

I'm just going to have to leave home again!

HOME TO THE HOLE AND BACK OUT AGAIN

We had a lovely, but windy trip to St. Simons Island, GA last week, and are in the middle of getting ready for yet another journey out of the rabbit hole, this week. My husband and I will be leaving to go to Conneticut to see our Navy son and daughter-in-law for the next few days. We will get to be with him on his birthday and his gift to me for my birthday and mother's day (same day)are the airline tickets for the trip to see him. (I raised wonderful children)

The Queen didn't far so well while I was gone on my girls trip to St. Simons, but we have given her to the other son for this trip. Hopefully, it will go a little smoother.

I told my aunt that her sudden outburst on the journey home had made the Blog cut, you remember, the things that make you go "Huh?"

We went to the Ashville Farmer's Market and I picked up a surprise for my husband. Ramps, smelly little things that are a cross between wild onions and garlic. He used to go hunting for them with his grandfather. We resumed our travels with the ramps on the floor between my feet, and I began to cough and cough and cough.Now, being a family with all types of allergies, everyone begins to try to figure out what is making me do this, when I see this hand, coming from the left of me, pointing frantically, but no voice is attached. I look to my left, at the driver of the vehicle (my aunt) and tears are streaming down her face, and she is still pointing. Is she choking, is she breathing, what have I said something that has upset her? In a matter of mere seconds, I realized that she is laughing hysterically, and finally says "maybe it's the YAPS!" Then I began to laugh just as hard, realizing that she means Ramps!. That makes me laugh, but what started the whole thing was that she realized before saying YAPS, that it was the wrong word, but couldn't find the right word and it came out of her mouth anyway.

I understand that you have to be 50 or over for this to be funny to you, but it was extremly funny , every time we looked at each other for hours, we got the giggles again. Mom just sat and looked at us with a very bewildered look on her face "huh?"

Here's to our next venture "from the Rabbit Hole".

JOURNEY OUT OF THE RABBIT HOLE

I'm in launch mode. Days being numbered and marked off until I leave for vacation.

3 separate vacations. One day trip with a very special friend, one week long girls trip

with my mom and aunt, one extended weekend trip to Conneticut to see our son for the first time in a year.

After being gone from home for just meer hours each night this week during revival the wheels are not off of the wagon where my mother in law is concerned, they are certainly wobbling. She has forgotten to put her oxygen back on after being gone for a while with a friend , I had dirty dishes on my sofa and living room carpet and has put her knitting in her trash can because it is easy for her to find ?

Who knew that I would get so into this routine that I would be afraid to trust it to anyone else?

What's up with that? I'm just giving it to God and my sister-in-law and hopefully things will stay in the middle of the road until I get home.

REFLECTION

One year ago, today, my precious Sherry, went home to be with the Lord. My feelings today are so jumbled. There is still such intense grief, that somedays I think I just won't get up. Other days when my pain is so great, I'm a little envious that Sherry no longer hurts. No matter what the other emotions, there is always the joy and priviledge of having known her, and her allowing us to be members of her family.

I miss you my sister, my daughter , my friend.

Today I will celebrate your life. Relay 2006